Nithyananda's Transformation Blueprint: From Fraud to Fugitive to Faker to Furlough to Freedom
Hi there, Sri Nithyananda. Boy, you look a bit stressed, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda. We bet that you could use a little R&R to recoup and recharge yourself. We know just the place, a nice little sleepy town in the foothills of the Himalayan Mountains in Himachal Pradesh. You, 'Swami' Nithyananda, will just love it. This time of year, it is so nice. Spring, birds, fresh air... and no one around to bother you... why there's even all the modern amenities such as wireless internet and cell phone coverage. Oh, my gosh! We're so sorry, 'Swami' Nithyananda. We forgot that you were busted because the CID Team was able to trace your phone number. Who do you, 'Paramahamsa' think gave them such confidential information? Sri Nithyananda, did you use this same phone to try to intimidate all those donors who recently left you after they lost their life savings to build your empire? Yes, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, we agree. Those 'ungrateful' people are still stuck in the greed factor. Just imagine, they lost their lifesavings, and they got some strong words from you that no doubt, helped remove their ego. And, just because of that, look what happens. They probably were willing to call up the CID Team or even pass your cell number on to our friend, Chandan Nandi of the Deccan Herald, who probably then passed it on to the CID Team. Wow, we guess that how news travels.
'Swami' Nithyananda, it looks like your whole house has fallen on you. Just like this classic picture from the Wizard of Oz:
No, No, No, Sri Nithyananda. That is not Ma Medhananda Mayi under that house. She is still running loose out in the West, Seattle to be exact. That definitely isn't her. We hate to tell you this, actually, 'Swami' Nithyananda, that is you stuck under there with your smelly feet exposed. You're in the East now... and well, you seemed to be crushed by the house you built. But, don't worry, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, unless someone tents the house and fumigate, we imagine that you will be able to borrow down and slither out sometime before next winter.
For the record, 'Swami' Nithyananda, let's review all of the charges that have been leveled against you, shall we?:
- Two cases under Sections 295A (deliberate and malicious acts, intended to outrage religious feelings of any class by insulting its religion or religious beliefs)
- 376 (punishment for rape)
- 377 (unnatural sex)
- 420 (cheating and dishonestly inducing delivery of property)
- 506 (criminal intimidation)
- 120B (criminal conspiracy) of IPC
That's quite a collection, 'Swami' Nithyananda. Will your threatening kal bhairava emails on your confiscated computers will show up on this list? We've already reported your threats to the FBI. Just a tip from us, next time in your 10-page sex contract, be sure to include a phrase about not being married and 'available'. That might help you look like a legitimate sex-craved sanyasi (renunciant). So, where do all the other charges fit it? Let's see there's gold smuggling, excess foreign funds on hand (just a weekend supply, no doubt), more illegal forest products including tiger skins. Say, you go all out for your room service ladies. Were those skins for your meditation or for more 'experiments'? We agree, 'Swami' Nithyananda. Nothing like a hot room service lady on a tiger skin. Yes, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, those new findings are not exactly extremely serious criminal acts. Small time stuff, like that of a petty criminal. But, we're sure that everyone knows that you did the violent crimes above, so the authorities will be able to keep you at bay until they get the evidence they need. Those crimes above should do the trick.
'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, to be honest, we were a bit disappointed with your arrest. We were expecting to see you sporting handcuffs. You know, without handcuffs, you might have been able to escape from the authorities and continue your YouTube career. But, looks like the tables were turned. Instead of giving them the slip, someone gave you the slipper. Did they do this because, you, 'Swami' Nithyananda, had no sole? OK, we realized that was a low shot, but it was the thought that counted.
More seriously, 'Swami' Nithyananda, Foreign Exchange Management Act (FEMA) and notify the Enforcement Directorate (ED). For all the laundering you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda did, you sure didn't have a clean act. In fact, take a look at you as you were arrested:
Sri Nithyananda, your hair looks greasy, you're unshaved, your saffron cloth is wrinkled, and looks like you haven't slept all night. Why 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, you look just like an ashramite! Welcome to our world, when we were brainwashed slaves of course. Is this your karma coming around? Wow, 'Swami' Nithyananda, let's hope not. Let's pray that the police don't break canes over your head and throw furniture on you like you did to your ashramites to beat them into a brainwashed submission. That would be very cruel.
'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, we heard the CID team was very nice to you. In fact, they even cleaned and fixed the toilet in your 8' by 5' cell. Wow nice of them. Perhaps that preparation was for their benefit, though. They must have watched your YouTube channel and knew that if that 'content' couldn't be flushed down and then the stench got into their air conditioning unit, it would be torture for them. We're beginning to catch on to their logic in receiving you, Sri Nithyananda. And, we understand, 'Swami' Nithyananda, that the CID Team went out of their way to make your feel at home. Why they even installed a little camera and a one-way mirror. But, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, don't get too excited. This isn't going to be the type of bar and grill you're used to. Quite different, we're sure.
And, 'Swami' Nithyananda, is your little cell nice and clean? Is the mattress they slip in during nap hours to your standards? We hope that everything is to your liking, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda. Just imagine that if there were head lice that infested your hair, then they would have to shave [hint, hint] everything off, well maybe not everything. Wow, Sri Nithyananda, we bet if they shaved your head, then you would look just like a common criminal, exactly like Bhaktananda. By the way, how is he? Oh, that's right, we heard that he's no longer in the air-conditioned lock up but in jail for a couple of weeks. That ought to cool him off, or will it? Anyway, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, if they do shave your head like Bhaktananda, do you think we'll be able to see that little birthmark that looks like a '9-9-9' symbol upside down! And, if you didn't have that birthmark, then do you think that at least one of the good-natured interrogators would be willing to tattoo that symbol on you just for authenticity?
Wait a minute, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, there's smoke coming from our computer and sulfur fumes belching out. Yuck. Disgusting. Look, an email from The Devil! And, the email is written in crimson blood. Boy, we didn't know that it was possible to send an email written in blood, but here it is:
Dear Blog Owner,
Sorry to say that I am very offended by your humor. Please note, as the caretaker of pure evil, I want you to be aware that Nithyananda Swami does not meet my already very low standards. Just like Osho, I don't claim to be anything that I'm not. In this way, Nithyananda Swami, has tried to hide all of his shame behind a veneer of holiness. Nithyananda Swami is undeserving to be associated with our registered up-side-down 9-9-9™ symbol. Any further violations of our Registered Trademark, and I will make sure that the search engine ranking for this site sinks to the bowels of Nithyananda's abode. Have a nice day.
Yours cordially, The Devil
Wow, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, we've gotten all kinds of threats from all kinds of characters, but this was the first time that The Devil has threaten us. We guess that even The Devil will have to go to the back of an already very long line if he wants to sue us or do anything to stop us. Sorry, no special treatment; not even for your peers, Sri Nithyananda. But, wait a minute, 'Swami' Nithyananda, what's this criticism here?:
"Only a house-holder is entitled for tantric sex. Claiming to be a monk and using so many people for one's pleasure is unpardonable,"
"(Nithyananda) has violated UNAIDS guidelines as well as the rules of tantra."
“He (Nithyananda) should have had one partner and announced himself as a tantric guru. It has caused damage to the faith of people in the institution and traumatized many.”
Who said that, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda? Oh, that was Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Wait at minute, that makes two devils in one day! It was bad enough that The Devil condemns you, but when you have a truly evil, cult personality and renown closet womanizer, like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, come out and publicly denounce you, then you know, 'Swami' Nithyananda, you really need to get your marketing team in overdrive. Otherwise, donations are going to dry up into the bottomless pit you seemed to dig for yourself in, and then you'll have no choice but to sell your ashram and other assets to Sri Sri at a fire and brimstone sale rate. Scandalous.
So, 'Swami' Nithyananda, how are you going to recover from this setback? Oh, we see, you're going to start a campaign to have everyone recite a mantra for your acquittal. How enchanting. And, you're actually going to lead by example. How innovative. We're not used initiative from you, Sri Nithyananda. Which mantra are you going to use? Oh, yes, your standard house mantra:
Om Hrim Nithyananda
But, wait a minute, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, there are only about sixty people in the world that are still willing to say that mantra. But, don't worry, 'Swami' Nithyananda; there's close to six million people still willing to chant for you. But, Sri Nithyananda, you'll have to modify your mantra just a bit. Don't worry, it will still be close to your original mantra, but just slightly different. Here it is:
Om H-Ream it up your backside, Nithyananda
Since you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, seem so at ease changing sacred mantras to substitute your name, we knew that you wouldn't mind this slight alteration. It kind of makes it a little more joyful to say. You, 'Swami' Nithyananda, should give it try. We would like to see you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, smile again. Honest. It gives us great joy to imagine the CID Team telling you again and again to wipe that stupid smirk off your face. Oh, don't cry on us. Boo Hoo. Really Sri Nithyananda, we've seen crocodiles with more sincerity.
Just think, Sri Nithyananda, in a two days, you'll be back on that 24(K) golden throne in your ashram waiting for a nice afternoon massage on your bed without any more surveillance cameras. Of course, with Bhaktananda in jail, you might have to give yourself that massage, but we know you'll manage somehow. So, just forty-eight hours of CID interrogation. That should be easy for you. In your book, Formless in Form, page 44, you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, mentioned how you withstood days of doing the panchtapas (fire meditation), that in your own words:
"So extreme was this penance that none but the most courageous even attempted it."
And, you, 'Swami' Nithyananda go on to say how you were surrounded and went down, down, down, in ring a fire... and the flames got higher (just like Johny Cash) and placed a pot of smoldering embers on your head to boot. Wow! That must have been tough. And, then just to make sure you could outdo Clint Eastwood, in the same book you mention about doing the 'dreaded' traatak mediation where you would stare at the sun all day long without blinking. So, the withstanding the rigors of talking to a few non-brainwashed souls that do not carry your certificates of 'enlightenment' especially after being cooped in with the likes of Bhaktananda, should be a piece of cake.
So, what is this? Chest pain? Are you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, trying to say that the CID Team put the squeeze on your chest? We all know that you, 'Swami' Nithyananda were very good at doing that do others, especially after watching those videos. Is this part those karmic returns? If you really had chest pains, why weren't you able to heal them? After all, in Formless in Form on page 44, you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, talk about how you broke your back on a truck ride in an army truck from Tapovan, and how you healed your back with your own hands to the amazement of the doctors. 'Swami' Nithyananda, did you heal your back, but forgot to heal your spine? We don't understand. After all, in all your books, you included the article of "A Mind of a Mystic" which included all of those test results from some doctors in Oklahoma in 2005. From this study, you, Sri Nithyananda clinically 'proved' your ability to control your brainwaves from the results indicated from Positron Emission Tomography (PET) device. The gushing doctor talked about how you effortlessly moved into the 'pleasure zone' by simply meditating at will:
"I believe the PET scan revealed what I call the brain's 'D-spot'. Whether you consider the 'D' in D-spot to stand for Delight, the Divine or even Dopamine (the chemical through which our bodies experience pleasure), initial indications are that the meditation can stimulate it."
So, Sri Nithyananda, why then did the medical results for your chest pains come back as 'negative'? Weren't you able to heal yourself? 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, were you faking it because all those chats with CID Officers were too much for you and it made you cry? Really? 'Swami' Nithyananda, where did you learn this behavior? I couldn't have been from any of your room service ladies. We doubt that any of them ever said, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." So, where did you learn this? Oh, yes, one of our loyal readers gave a plausible explanation that you learned this from watching TV while, you, Sri Nithyananda, would go into samadhi (trance) and do tantric 'experiments', while you were not feeling well, of course. Yes, if you weren't watching TV, it would have just seemed like regular sex. But, now we know that you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda were really not that interested in the sex, so you must have watched TV in a way to unclutch your mind while distributing all of that tantric energy. Anyway, Sri Nithyananda, next time you do this type of healing meditation, we suggest that you watch some educational television, instead of those cheap crime thrillers. After all, James Cagney as well as tips from Cosmopolitan [source:IBN-Live] are not the ideal roll model for a real genuine 'parmahamsa'.
OK, 'Swami' Nithyananda, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt. So, let's just assume that you weren't faking it. Just the same, we're still confused, Sri Nithyananda. If you're able to heal yourself, quickly get into the 'pleasure zone', and can stand the rigors of the toughest of tapas (penance meditations), then why did you still go to the hospital? Now we get it; room service ladies in nurse's outfits. Yes, that makes sense. Did they take your temperature with a banana? Well, they should have and filmed it too. That way, you would have had visual to show everybody if you ever try to tell that joke again. Sorry, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, we hate to bust your fantasy, but as you probably found out, real nurses don't dress or behave that way. We know, you, 'Swami' Nithyananda probably got those ideas from your DVD collection, but it is always good to become aligned with your reality.
Sri Nithyananda, have you ever thought about writing a book from all of these recent experiences as a fugitive and now as an inmate? We think a titled called "Common Criminal Behavior to Uncommon Criminal Acts" just might capture the essence of your new life story. We'll be sure to purchase a copy and write a favorable review for it. We can't wait to read the upcoming chapters. We'll be waiting.
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Follow your dharma. Use your common sense. Listen to your inner-conscience, and follow the Truth. Come out of this trap, and escape from this fake and fraudulent cult scam.
Day 142: One Hundred and forty-two days have passed since Sri Nithyananda's bloggers of the Parallel Universe of La-La Land have not answered our simple chronological questions. We'll keep on reminding them.
Day 164: One hundred and sixty-four days have passed since Sri Nithyananda and his organizations have threatened a baseless lawsuit against us. We'll keep on counting.
