'Swami' Nithyananda Marketing Genius! Selling the Sizzle of His Siddhis (Magic)
Hi there, Sri Nithyananda. How are you today? "Feerrappadappa." Oh, we see our Gruntanese translator said that you 'have to go'. Sorry, there, Sri Nithyananda, but hold off on that 'disappearing act' of your for just a bit. We want to get to the bottom of this fraud thing on why people actually think that you're a god (note the small 'g'). So, why, 'Swami' Nithyananda, do people actually confuse you with being Divine? Is there any proof? "Grabbadribble Science-raprra Shnap!" Oh, our Gruntanese translator says that you say that there's 'scientific proof' that you are Divine. Nice. Sri Nithyananda, do you know that there was once 'scientific' proof to why some races were deemed 'inferior'? Why some poor people were poor? Why global warming is not happening?... and on and on. Do you really think that we should blindly believe all of this 'scientific' proof, especially when it comes from your printing press? OK, Sri Nithyananda, we see that you're not going to budge on this one. Fair enough. We thought that would be your answer.
What's this here, Sri Nithyananda? Why looks like the test publication from the Oklahoma medical doctors you did back in 2005. It was called "Mind of the Mystic". We think that it should have been retitled to be called "Mind of a Mistake", but we won't let our personal opinions influence such valuable 'scientific' research. Sri Nithyananda, do you know that our readers can still view this piece of 'scientific' research on your website at this URL:
http://www.dhyanapeetam.org/web/Oklahoma_Research_Report.htmOr, if they want to download a PDF version, we just stumbled across one on the Guruphiliac Fourm.
Wow, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda. Those researchers from Oklahoma seemed mighty impressed with the findings. Just a quick recap, it looks like they ran two tests. The first one measured your brain's activities through a Positron Emission Tomography (PET) device. It was like a fancy X-Ray machine that produces images of the function of the brain through the metabolic activity of cells. The researches said that your frontal brain was heightened immediately upon going into meditation. And, when you went into your deepest meditation, they claimed that 90 percent of the dominant hemisphere of your brain was shut down and in deep rest as if it was on vacation. Wow. They also said that your lower portion of the mesial frontal areas lighted up significantly and that this was the 'third eye' region which one of the researchers claimed as the D-spot or the 'pleasure zone'.
The second test the researchers did measured the type and frequency of brainwaves. This was the Quantitative Electroencephalography (QEEG), and the researchers said that you were able to slip in and out different brainwaves as if you, Sri Nithyananda, were a pianist doing the scales. And, that you had complete control over all of this.
Look, Sri Nithyananda, the researchers just about gush over you in their report:
"Swami is a bridge between the invisible, ancient world of mysticism and the modern, visible world of science and discovery."Wow, Sri Nithyananda, that was mighty kind of those researchers to do all those studies and do such a favorable report on you. If this wasn't a scientific study printed in a respectable journal, it would seem that these scientists were your disciples. Did you, 'Swami' Nithyananda, ever thought about including this study in your books so that other people can see? Oh, here it is, on page four of the Appendix of your book, Nithyananda Vol. 1, December 2006.
"...as we were watching Swami float from color to color within a rainbow."
And, the scientists end on a note of hope about your mystical state of meditation could possibly "bring balance and peace into people’s lives".
This having your medical report that you are no ordinary human being really is amazingly helpful to spread your divinity. Without you having to say anything, now even analytical types can see 'scientific' proof that you, Sri Nithyananda, are an 'enlightened' master. And, for those other devotees who just melted after you mystically mesmerized them, this is the icing on the cake. The proof they needed to quit their job, divorce their spouse, and do nothing but divine (note lower 'd') service to you, Sri Nithyananda, and only you.
But, wait, Sri Nithyananda. Before we get too carried away here, we had a few questions to ask about that study. 'Swami' Nithyananda, were you in a nice comfortable chair when you did these studies and went into meditation? Yes, Sri Nithyananda, we thought so. Perhaps, Sri Nithyananda, for your next study, the researches can measure your brainwaves when your doing some 'divine' service that exerts a little more physical activity than being all comfy on a nice chair. We think, Sri Nithyananda, that it would be really interesting to measure your brainwaves when you are whacking one of your beloved ashramites, you know, Sri Nithyananda, those people who gave up their whole lives just to help make you famous, with a cane or throwing furniture on them. To have that ability to make someone limp for a whole week must really produce some really mystical brainwaves.
And, Sri Nithyananda, we admit that those results really looked mesmerizing. In order to declare that you're really an 'enlightened' master as you would like to have anyone who reads that scientific study to draw that conclusion, did you, Sri Nithyananda, or the researchers ever have the idea of having a 'control group'. You know, Sri Nithyananda, not your ashramites, that's a 'controlled group'. A 'control group' is a set of people in the experiment to make sure that other variables in the experiment that lead to those incredible results are indeed significant or not. Also, Sri Nithyananda, it would be interesting to see you could get some plain old meditation enthusiasts and see if you're amazing results could be duplicated by some folks that are definitely not 'enlightened' or at least they have no presumptions of claiming so. Then, we would all know if those hypnotizing scientific results really are a super-human achievement beyond the reaches of non-enlightened mortals that are only attributed to you, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda.
Sorry to say, 'Swami' Nithyananda, but actually, we're not all that impressed with the scientific findings from your meditation research. Sri Nithyananda, lets just assume that you, a self-claimed Paramahamsa, were able to make your brain behave differently from your meditations. That's what you, Sri Nithyananda, want us to believe. Fine. You see, 'Swami' Nithyananda, as you know better than us, when someone meditates and does it often enough, some 'unseen' channels just open up. Since most people never give any attention to doing something like meditation, then these channels never open up or if they do, they are ignored or suppressed. But, if someone did pay close attention to meditation, then these channels will just naturally open up. If a meditator concentrated on certain meditations that are known to open up certain channels, then those certain channels are very likely to open up and be cultivated. It's no big deal. Sri Nithyananda, we have contributors to this blog that have had their breath stop for a period of four minutes or so, all thoughts just completely evaporate to the extent that a period of 30 minutes didn't even seem to register, body heat given off that people next to them had to move because of the heat, heard whispers across a hallway, etc. These things just happen. No big deal.
In fact, Sri Nithyananda, we're pretty certain that most illusionist like David Copperfield, Harry Houdini, etc. are able to tap into these channels and produce an entertaining show or at least get fifteen-minutes-of-fame on programs like Ripley's Believe It or Not. You see, Sri Nithyananda, these illusionists must have been pretty good at tapping into different channels and then performing in front of people. Harry Houdini would be able to hold his breath for over three minutes as he picked locks from a regurgitated key and free himself from all the chains while being suspended upside down underwater.
Harry Houdini gets lowered into the Chinese Water Torture Cell, which is much easier to escape from than 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda's Ashram.
Just recently, an illusionist from Israeli named Hezi Dayan broke David Blaine's world record time in ice. He stayed in ice wearing only a t-shirt and jeans for 66 hours. We don't know Henzi Dayan's secret, but David Blaine would say that he would do a 'fire meditation' and warm up his body. So, we imagine, Sri Nithyananda, that all these magicians knew how to tap into these siddhis (esoteric magic) and utilize them. Yes, 'Swami' Nithyananda, they knew how to put on quite a show.
Say, Sri Nithyananda, with your management style, you know, how you kick and scream and hold your breath until you get your way as well as all that bedside swimming you seem to do, we think that you would be a natural for doing at least one of these magic tricks. How about this, Sri Nithyananda, we have you enter a big tank full of big sharks. You break out of some chains, then ride a bicycle around the aquarium floor and then come up to greet the spellbound audience.
We bet that Surfin' Swami Nithyananda can do this trick with bigger sharks and no air tank!...or at least we would like to see him try.
We know, Swami Nithyananda, that would be a dazzling hit with the ladies. You could bill your act as "The Death Defying, Shark Mesmerizing, Surfin' Swami". Don't worry, Sri Nithyananda, we doubt anything will happen to you like Siegfried & Roy. Remember, they weren't 'enlightened' like you are, and besides, we know the sharks would never dream of touching you out of professional courtesy. It's an almost guaranteed solution.
But, Frankly speaking, Sri Nithyananda, you're siddhis (esoteric magic) doesn't really lend itself to a good show. Those other illusionists are able to command premium dollars to have people sit and watch them do things like disappear, reappear, escape from some immediate danger, saw beautiful ladies in two (well, you sort of do that), etc. All you can do is make some test scientific equipment produce some interesting scientific reports. Just imagine that if you had a show in Las Vegas, what would you do? We picture something like this, 'Swami' Nithyananda, that you would have Swami Bhaktananda open the act by telling some jokes and perhaps do some juggling. And, then you could have Swami Medhananda come on stage and he would do a soft shoe act. No, no, no, that just isn't going to work. Not with his feet. OK, we'll skip the soft shoe act, and have him sing a song or something. Then you can have some of your room service ladies come out in cute little matching uniforms and do some choreographed maneuvers. And, then the star, that's you, Sri Nithyananda, gets wheeled out on stage in a 24K solid gold hospital bed with a bunch of test equipment hooked up to you. Then scientist looking guy in a white lab coat, Paramananda will do, turns on the special equipment and holds up the result. The announcer then says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, you have just witnessed Swami the Great Meditator change his brainwaves from Alpha to Theta. How about a big round of applause for Swamiji, the Mysterious Mystic!" You, know, Sri Nithyananda, we don't know too many people who would really be willing to pay to see that. There's just no pizzazz.
But, wait, Sri Nithyananda. We just realized that you already thought of the answer to save the show from being a complete dud. Do you remember, Sri Nithyananda, when you went to Microsoft back in 2005 and poached many of Microsoft's talented employees who now work just for you? Well, Sri Nithyananda, we were wondering who was really teaching who that day. Let's face it, Sri Nithyananda, you, like Microsoft, have an inferior product. You know, your siddhis (esoteric power) are in par with products like Vista, Bing, MS DOS, and Bob. Do you remember Microsoft Bob? We guess that you couldn't call it MS Bob; what would the ladies think. Oh, let's not get sidetracked. Anyway, even if you have an absolutely worthless product, with enough marketing, cash, and muscling, even you, Sri Nithyananda, like Microsoft, can dominate the world!
We see, Sri Nithyananda, that no one goes around and worships David Copperfield and entrusts his or her life to him. Now there are some ladies that try to sue him, but that's about as close as it gets. But, you Sri Nithyananda, by having your enthusiastic slaves, we mean volunteers, pass out that medical report to anyone and everyone, you Sri Nithyananda, can transform your second rate siddhis (esoteric magic) and turn into an 'Enlightened' Healing Master that no one should dare question or suffer the wrath of Microsoft-like lawyers. Brilliant, there, Sri Nithyananda. You now qualify as a legitimate 'god'. So, anyone who can be impressed with that lab report, would now be doing your unique form of 'guru pooja' and worship to your feet every morning. Now that's real inner awakening. 'Swami' Nithyananda, you're a marketing genius. We even bet Mr. "You're Fired", Donald Trump, multi-millionaire, you know, that guy with the plastic hair, would be impressed with your ability of 'selling the sizzle'.
Donald Trump shows 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda how to sell the sizzle even with dead charred animals, kind of like what we expect to find at the cremation grounds that Sri Nithyananda hanged out in during his youth.
Wow, 'Swami' Nithyananda. Just think. Instead of having your fans just pay $300.00 dollars to be in the front row, with this report legitimizing that you are divine (note the small 'd'), you, Sri Nithyananda, can now charge $3,000.00 dollars for front row seats. [Thanks to our friends in Nithyananda Fairy Tales site who posted this great related story on Sri Nithyananda's tiered pricing at his programs.]
And, instead of being just a one-off event to see you, Sri Nithyananda, your fans can now start enlisting in your multi-level marketing programs that costs thousands of dollars. Soon they will either be 'donating' for their divinity one-tenth of their salary or earning 'salvation' by doing only volunteer work for you. From fan to indentured slave, all just from one report. Say, Sri Nithyananda, that's a pretty good deal. Soon, you and your franchise will be ruling the world, just like McDonalds. Sri Nithyananda, does that make you the new Ronald McDonald of the spiritual world?
Ah, oh, 'Swami' Nithyananda, we hate to be killjoys, but we just thought of something. What if there are people in the spiritual world that are not impressed with super natural siddhis (esoteric power)? Yes, 'Paramahamsa' Nithyananda, these people are crazy to miss such an 'enlightened' healing master such as yourself. But, what if they have different criteria for measuring divinity such as:
- Compassion
- Inspiration
- Humbleness
- Humility
- Overflowing Generosity
- Unconditional Love in One's Heart to Embrace All, etc.
So, Sri Nithyananda, we need to work on your image. It couldn't be that bad. Let's see. You beat some of your close followers with a cane and throw furniture on them until they can barely crawl away. Well, we'll need to work on that, but those acts of violence were out of compassion, right? And, you tell devotees in some cities like Toronto that you, Sri Nithyananda, will open up some big temple if they donate... but that money disappears, but pictures of you sitting on some shiny new 24K gold thrones are on your website. Sri Nithyananda, that doesn't look so good either. Let's see, then there's that big 10,000 seat stadium your soliciting funds to build in your ashram, so even more people can hear you. Oh, dear. This image thing is getting harder by the moment. Oh, yes, there's your Vedic temples. That should be a strength we can build on. But, then again, there's those mantras where you inserted your name in them, those idols that are specifically made in your image so people can worship just to you, while the other legitimate Hindu deities you renamed with your name attached to them, your thrones have images of Divine Deities right on the seat so you sit firmly on top of them, etc. Gee, 'Swami' Nithyananda, we thought that your Vedic Temples might be a strong point, but then again, maybe not. We know, how about your devoted volunteers? You, know, the ones that haven't reached absolute poverty and divorced upon you recommendation. Yes, their enthusiastic brainwashing just might work, but you'll need to hide those 'undesirables' in the back. You, know, Sri Nithyananda, the ashramites that look old, tired, and fat. Those are definitely not photo op material. You know, Sri Nithyananda, to work on you image, we think that you might need to hire the same public relations experts that Union Carbide hired after the Bhopal Disaster in 1984. We think that might be your only salvation.
Follow your dharma. Use your common sense. Listen to your inner-conscience, and follow the Truth. Come out of this trap, and escape from this fake and fraudulent cult scam.
